Thursday, September 16, 2010

Leaving Your Heart, Not The Brightest Idea.

A couple things: I really want that necklace, >>It felt so good getting all these thoughts/this post out of my head! School has taken me over and left me no free time for things like blogging, so love love love having the extra time to blog.
Oh and here's a little background/info you might need for this post:
I'm stupid because I don't know what I want.
Used to live in good old California.
Now my home is in the 'South'.
I'm ready to go home.
Actually I was ready to go home the day we got here. (a post in itself)
Last year I got a not so bright idea.
I don't like school, its not my favorite thing, I wish I didn't have to go ever again.
In order to make school into something I like, not despise, I decided I needed to be in a place that was going to be fun for me.
A school I would want to go to, enjoy going to.
A big school, division 1 perhaps.
I wanted to see all the little sororities.
See all the people crazy obsessed with the football team.
I was wishy washy with what school, but overall, after hearing many great things about it, I had the idea of wanting to live in the South.
If you think school colors or outfits to wear to tailgating had anything to do with school picking, your 100% on the ball and you must have read this post.
Priorities people.
If I was going to continue my education, I wanted something different.
Different air.
Different people.
Just something different.
I got what I asked for.
And what is that saying, you don't know what you have until its lost?
Don't know what you've got til its taken away.
My boyfriend is adaptable.
Arizona, California, Texas.
Germany, Japan. Deserted island.
Wherever he is, we both know he's capable of doing fine.
Very adaptable indeed.
Well I thought I was adaptable.
I really did.
I'm not losing my personality per say, but quite often, I have many negative nancy moments.
My grumpy pants that I cant take off.
The "I hate everything moments."
Oh and the days when I know think everyone and everything is stupid.
Sure, feeling that way happened back home, but feeling those negative feelings here only makes me want to be somewhere else even more, you know?

California weather and weather in the South are like total opposites.
I wore yoga pants at least once a week back home.
Here, worn one time and felt like I was wrapped in a wet wool blanket, sitting in a sauna.
Whose idea was this!?
uhhh mine
Exactly.
I feel so bad for dragging BF out here, especially when he tells me he knew I wasn't going to like it.
I have no problem saying I think I'm right sometimes most of the time. I have that kind of attitude.
So of course I roll my eyes hardcore when I hear I told you so.
He did his best trying to warn me.
He told me about the heat. He did.
He tried.
But I packed a duffel bag full of hoodies.
Jeans. Scarfs.
Have I worn jeans once since living here?
You can ask BF since he's always right.
Where was I?
Oh yea, I feel bad for BF but he is an angel and comforts me by lying saying he'll go wherever I want to go, and be happy about it as long as I'm happy.
And it kind of makes me want to cry when he tells me "if your not happy and you don't like it we don't have to stay here, no ones forcing you."

3 months ago, I would have been more than glad to sit and gossip about how crazy my Mom makes me and how she just irritates me beyond belief sometimes.
And now here I am, I would give anything to be able to sit on the couch with my Mom and talk about the reunion show of the Jersey Housewives.
I thought my family drove me crazy, but I'm going crazy being away from them.

So what do I do?
I pretend to love it here, and say I'm doing okay.
Nobody besides my boyfriend is going to know that I would rather not be here.
As I said, I can barely stand to hear I told you so's from my other half, so hearing it from anyone else is just not, not okay.
And my parents would die if they knew I was the least bit unhappy.
And since the day I left my Mom's been more than ready for me to come home so of course she would not push me to stay here.
So.
I will suck it up and say yea yea its great I love it here, soo much fun!
But I'm really not good at sucking it up.
And to be 100% honest, in my spare time I look at universities in California.
Umm really?
The place I just left?
So why did I leave in the first place?
Because.
This was a nice experience.
I got my taste of something different.
I also got to know myself better.
I now know that I have and I guess always will be a California Girl.
No matter how hard I try to not be.
My personal opinion is that there is no where better.
Its what I'm used to. 21 years used to.
So, yea sure, I can say I like it here.
I like it, I really do!
The people are nice, a fun city, I have nothing against the 'South' at all!
But ask me if I love it?
Not quite...
I love, love love love, where I came from.

And I'm just not adaptable.
As much as I try to make myself be.
I'm not.
I want to go home.
I would love to transfer back to a college in CA, finish getting my BA back home.
But my gosh the expenses.
Tuition there is more than double of what I'm currently paying here.
The rent here that were paying now is very likely to be half of what we'd be paying there.
California's expensive if you didn't know.
And I'm kind of poor.
Hahaha jk jk. Kinda. ;)
Soo maybe I'm just having a moment. Maybe the "I miss home" gig will fade away?
Was I too spontaneous?
Will I be able to stay here and enjoy/finish my 2 years and come home with a degree?
Or not finish and go back to the state I left my heart in?
Its a daily debate but I'm definitely not making any moves any time soon.
We've been living in the 'South' since about August.
Am I really so very not adaptable that one month into it all, I'm already looking to go back to where I came from?

Those who have lived in many different states, different cities.
Those who've lived in the same state, same city all their life.
Southern belles. California girls.
Well it takes all kinds.

1 comment:

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I've been where you are - in my 20's. It's the classic feeling of not knowing what you have until it's gone. I decided to up and move from Maryland to Florida to be with my ex-boyfriend, switched schools, and lived there for 6 months. That's all I lasted. I never felt "HOME" my mother said she'd never heard me so homesick before. What did I do? I went right back home, applied to my same college, and even lived at home with my dad an commuted until I graduated. I knew where my heart was. Fast Forward to my late 20's - I started dating a new guy (me and florida didn't work out and me and the florida guy didn't either, not for lack of trying)... my new guy was from Alabama, and we knew long distance wouldn't work... the point that I knew I was willing to move here to AL was when he said he'd move to Maryland. I knew that my friends were way ahead of the game vs. us - they have kids are married etc. His friends were still in the same status as we were - dating, living together, hanging out. I have never once regreted my move, but I do miss home. Give yourself a little time, maybe a time table. If by end of the fall semester you're still miserable, think long and hard and seriously about going back home. The South is an entirely different place - trust me this East Coaster knows it. Deep down your heart will lead you to the right place, sometimes going home is the best answer there is no shame in that. Don't listen to the I told you so's just follow your gut! ox